My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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