I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
