There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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