Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
