i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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