Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
