She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
