One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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