Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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