her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
