Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
