my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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