she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
