I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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