My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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