Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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