Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
