Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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