Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
