Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
