2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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