My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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