You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My hand turned me down
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
