just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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