i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
