I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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