He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
