I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
