A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
