hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
