I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
