so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
