I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
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