he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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