that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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