anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
