apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
