do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
