I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
