hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
