I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
