Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
