I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just had sex bonerless
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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