here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
