I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I need to calm my uterus...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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