sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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