Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
