Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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