found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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