1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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