We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
