I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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