i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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