Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
