Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
