I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
