either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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