she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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